Cartoonist and Illustrator
Last active: 01/23/2014
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls or crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train carriage interiors on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient and improving egress. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning soap operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, in summer, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike chair wrestling, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook a minute steak in thirty seconds. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play Panzerblitz, I am sought out to create names for new rock bands, I am the subject of several radio documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. Every Wednesday afternoon I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy eveningwear. On warm evenings I entertain bandicoots. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer I toured New Zealand with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bowl better than I bat. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international banking circles.
Children trust me.
I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket containing chromium. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. When I was a child I slept under the television. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic.. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning yabbies. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. In 1998 I invaded Tasmania. I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Desmond Tutu. My passport carries a Vatican endorsement.
My thesis incorporates kharma and salsa.
My websites include http://railtoons.site90.com/index.html and www.thedayofthedead.com.au